Turn back?

Assalamualaikum and Good day everyone. Annyeong haseyo, Ni hao, Moshi-moshi? :)
I'm writing this post with an intention to spread out what I feel recently. Ya, just for your information, I just sit for an exam last few weeks. However, I was so disappointed with my own self, for under-performing, for under-estimating, for under-working, and for every mistakes made.

I used to be someone very hard-working. I would spent all my times for study. I make a list of life schedules that I would follow tightly. I list out everything I would do and the time I need to spent for each activity. I would spread all the syllabus I need to cover up everyday and make sure I did it on time. That's the old me during school time.

Well. When I jump into working life, my sole goals is work. Thus, I prioritize my work over everything else, including the way of life. As I'm working with the non-muslims/not-yet-muslims, I was influenced a bit with their way of life. I'm not blaming them. I'm blaming myself, as I couldn't control myself from being tempted into living the other way.

I'm a muslim, but yet not living like one. I'm sure there're tonnes of people out there who experiencing the same situation as mine, especially muslims. At one time, you experience the most difficult time of your life, there's no others that you could rely on, except yourself and that moment of time, you turn back to Him, seeking for His mercy and helps. But once you meet success, or your life gets easier, you forgot Him. You listen to modern music, those English song; without knowing what it means, no; actually you know what it means, but you just listen to it without really understand what it means. You watch drama and movies. Saying that you wanna improve your English, but you forget about the Quran and Hadith. You put it in the rack. Make it as decoration. Let others came and look on it when you don't even touch it.

At times of busy, you makes it as a reason for not really praying, reading Al-Quran and islamic book, or reciting du'a. But in fact it was just an excuses. Then you make a promise, you said to yourself, "Oh God, I'll do all these when I have time." And when the time comes, its not easy for you to fill up the time wisely for reading Quran or for any ibadah. Instead, you just fill it up with watching drama or movies.

Then, you tried to advise your younger brother who don't go to mosque for a long time. Despite of following your advise, he talk back to you, saying that you just want to show off doing good things when in fact you're not that good. Then, what did you do? Turn back to the old self? Making what he said is true --- doing good just to show off? Is that it?

You fight with your ownself. "No, I'm not doing this to show off..I'm doing this for my own self..I'm doing this to be calm..I'm doing this to overcome my guiltiness to Allah..Not to show off.." Then you turn to your own self. How long could you be like this?

You start wondering, should I stop following the dunya. Should I do everything I need to do in order to be muslim. Should I search for a more islamic works, which would enable you to apply islam is every inch of your life?

At some point of your life, you thought you're not strong enough - to change for being a better muslim. You afraid of being insulted, afraid of being out-casted. Afraid of the need to leave the worldly life.

Its a dilemma. And only yourself and God knew the answer.

*'You' in the post referring to the writer. This is a situation faced by the writer and not related to the others.